Saturday morning I hopped a puddle jumper from John Wayne Airport to Phoenix Sky Harbor for my annual White Sox vs Cubs Spring Training trip in Mesa and Glendale, AZ. In years past this trip has traditonally been a bender for me and my friends. We’ve done it up good under the nose of Sheriff Joe, and one year we almost landed ourselves in jail. Its true. We took it too far last year.
All of this is true: My friends would choose the song, "Simply the Best", to describe me.
Google it. At one point in my storied life, I was an In-Seat-Server (glorified beer vendor) at Sox Park, a.k.a. US Cellular Field. I've been to the World Series. Steve Martin once shared an elevator with me. I have won 10 Texas Hold'em Tournaments in as many years. I once hit someone into next week. (It was late on a Saturday night, and as my fist connected with his jaw, the Coo-coo clock struck Midnight and poof, it was Sunday.) I won the 2011 Chicken Nugget Invitational. I put seven nuggets down in 60 seconds. Then did it again. I am trying to befriend Mike Tyson via Twitter. I am a HUGE Wilco fan. My elementary school has a set of rules which are named after me. They are called, "THE Joe Moran Rules". I am a White Sox fan. I like tomato sauce but hate tomatoes. I have returned to the island. The TV show, "Dexter", is shot in my neighborhood. We are not in Miami.
I like my steak in the pan with butter. Garlic is essential. People have requested my autograph. I have complied. George Harrison is my favorite Beatle. Blue Label is good but I prefer Gold. I believe I could hit one over the fence if given the opportunity to take batting practice at White Sox Park. When I was in the Sixth grade my teacher caught me French kissing my special lady friend. After a long winded lecture, this woman of Education, my teacher, called the special lady friend a tramp. After which she looked me up and down like the tall glass of water that I am, smiled, and called me a stud.
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