THE Joe Moran

A Trip to the 'Flower Shop'

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:51:00 -0800

Here is a fun conversation with the Mayor of Tweaker Alley. Earlier today the Mayor’s Office offered to go to the ‘flower shop’ for me.

SFX: Cell phone rings;

THEJoeMoran: Hello?

Mayor of Tweaker Alley: What up, Joe? It’s the Mayor.

TJM: Oh, hey Mr. Mayor. How ya doin?

MTA: I’m headed to the ‘flower shop’ today and was wonderin’ if you needed anything.

TJM: Wow, that’s really nice of you to call, but I’m good. Besides, I usually get my flowers from Albertson’s, or Trader Joe’s, Ralph’s. I’m good.

MTA: I’m not talkin’ bout those kinda of flowers. This place has some real nice plants. You can’t get plants like these anywhere else.

TJM: Must be some nice plants. You should buy some.

MTA: Man if it were up to me I would buy a couple of plants and split them up and sell them in pieces for $20 each.

TJM: It’s not up to you? Anyways, you should totally do that. You could turn a profit and maybe fix those teeth.

MTA: Well, I can’t really. I mean I could, but I already have 2 strikes on me. If got caught it would be my 3rd strike and I’d go to prison for life, baby.

TJM: Those aren’t the kinda flowers I need.

Wilco

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 08:29:00 -0800

My obsession with Wilco is growing with their return to LA only 2 weeks away. I have tickets to the Jan. 21st show at the Paladium, WHICH, here it comes: also serves as the Palace Hotel Ballroom in the Blues Brothers movie. Don’t believe me? Google it.

“Orange Whip? Orange Whip? 3 Orange Whips.”

So last night I was watching the NPR series, Tiny Desk Concerts with Wilco. I remember seeing this a couple of months ago, but my friend, @beardedjew, posted a link to it last night so I watched it again, and again, and again. This band is awesome. Watch the Tiny Desk Concert here. These days when I think of Wilco, I think of Chicago. They represent the city well.

I particularly enjoy the song, The Whole Love. Listening to the acoustic version makes me appreciate the song that much more. I love the slide guitar. The new album is the most rounded one they’ve put out in years. It’s a happy album. It’s the whole love, baby.

Today we #celebrate the life of Tooth #19, a.k.a. 1st Molar...

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 08:58:00 -0800

Today we #celebrate the life of Tooth #19, a.k.a. 1st Molar (6-year molar), who succumbed to his battles with tooth decay and receding gums after a freak accident that happened on Tuesday night. Tooth #19 was pulled Wednesday night at 7:03 PM. He was 34 years old.

On Tuesday night, a gum drop was inserted into the region that is known as Moran’s Mouth. In what has become an all too common practice in the region, protocol was ignored, and the conveyor belt accepted the gum drop and proceeded to roll it back to Tooth #19 before it could be softened up for chewing. Once the gum drop was in place it was too late. When the jaws compressed, the pressure was too much for #19’s crown and it cracked. After 24 hrs, 4 dentists, 2 dental assistants, and 1 accounts receivable clerk, Tooth’s #18 and #20 knew what was up and informed the other teeth.

#19, as he was affectionately known among his friends and family, is survived by 32 other naturally grown teeth in Moran’s Mouth. Born and raised on the south side of town, known as Cavity Junction, #19 will be remembered for having a strong and reliable chomper, breaking down some of the biggest and toughest pieces of food in a career that saw several injuries from minor cavity fillings, gingivitis, and 2 major root canals.

Although the region is stable, a No Chew Zone is in place at Cavity Junction indefinitely. All chewing will take place in the eastern region of Moran’s Mouth, known as Crown Village.

In lieu of flowers please make a donation to the Joseph R. Moran Foundation. All donations go directly to Joseph R. Moran.

Mustachio Day!

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 11:46:00 -0700

With my $25.00 donation to #Movember, I am proud to declare this day, November 5th 2011, Mustachio Day! This donation also kicks off my 2nd year of growing a stache’ for charity.

Last year, with the help of many generous donations from people like you, coupled with the steady follicle growth on my upper lip, I raised over $1000.00 for men’s health. The specific organizations that benefited from last year’s Movember campaign, (who are also a partner this year too), were the Movember Foundation, the Prostate Cancer Foundation, and LIVESTRONG.

What’s new with this year’s Movember push?

For starters I’m forming a team this year. We are THE MUSTACHIOS OF THE WORLD. Our mission is to raise awareness for men’s health during the month of November. In order to accomplish this, The Mustachios of the World are growing mustaches, raising money, and spreading the word about men’s health. It’s easy. Check this out: Did you know that 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime? It’s true. Boom! I just spread the word. It’s that easy.

We have a donation center set up like last year too. But this one has a cool name. We’re calling it Mustachio Central, a place where you can donate, track our progress and learn fun information about men’s health.

The Mustachios of the World welcome anyone who wants to join our cause, even Mustachioettes.

Together we will change the world. In the mean time, let’s save a few asses while we’re at it.

Thanks in advance for your support.

THE Joe Moran

Dear Cubs Fans, I know you’re excited your fanboy owner finally...

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 06:34:04 -0700

Dear Cubs Fans,

I know you’re excited your fanboy owner finally did something right by nabbing Theo Epstein from the Red Sox. Now listen up. Before you run off to the jeweler with your ring sizes, please note that today marks the 6 year anniversary of the Chicago White Sox ending their 88 year World Series drought. The Southsiders did this in wire-to-wire fashion, exhibiting some of the best post season pitching I have ever seen. Happy World Series Day!

Stop it, B!

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 13:35:09 -0700

Stop it, B!

tametheroll: Not everyman who rolls his pants is expecting a...

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 21:29:09 -0700

tametheroll:

Not everyman who rolls his pants is expecting a flood.

This album is awesome. thisismyfavoritesong: “Whole Love” by...

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 21:36:35 -0700

This album is awesome.

thisismyfavoritesong:

“Whole Love” by Wilco from The Whole Love (2011).

NOMINEE: Favorite song of 2011.

I love this story. I can totally visualize this going down in my...

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:35:43 -0700

I love this story. I can totally visualize this going down in my head. The mug shots are pretty good too.

latimes:

Three arrested in bungled beer heist in Covina: In an attempt to escape, they crashed a car, hit an employee who chased them, ran through a car wash and left behind an ID.

This! This is how you do a mugshot, guys.

Photos, from left: Andy Huynh, Nicholas Fiumetto and Nicholas Kalscheuer. Credit: Covina Police Department

The Ol' $10.04er

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 22:43:00 -0700

I will cook mine on Friday night, with a review to follow on Saturday/Sunday. The juices of anticipation are building.

tuckerblogs:

Our story begins last Saturday at the Coldwater Canyon Ralph’s. THE Joe Moran and I were wandering aimlessly through the deli section when an out of place item caught my eye near the Johnsonville Brats. It was wrapped in a burgundy ribbon. It was marbleized. It was huge…

…and it was on sale. Originally 29 dollars, the steak had been marked down to $10.04. We couldn’t believe it. Joe immediately laid a claim on the misplaced steak, citing that he would be purchasing it in lieu of the previously planned brats for the barbecue we were headed to. Swift action was needed on my part, and a quick glance around revealed an entire section of these ribbon wrapped monsters. We were both set with meat and an inflated sense of purpose. It would be days before that sense would pay off.

Read More

THE Proclamation

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 10:01:00 -0700

You can call it my return to cable. Early last week, my administration signed a proclamation ensuring cable television be installed at Chateau Moran shortly after September 10^th, 2011.

Over a year ago I embarked on a journey that featured Netflix and Hulu – or any other website that streamed content into my home. I went Internet only, baby! Although I own a TV, I could only watch DVDs on it. It is not considered HD and therefore cannot obtain a HD signal. So, I did not have network television either.

NBC, ABC, CBS and FOX joined the same ranks as HBO, Showtime and Starz did while I was growing up on my parent’s farm in Grinnell, IA. These were stations or channels I could not watch. At all. Not even PBS.

With that said, I am pleased to announce the budget crisis facing my administration going into the 2010 fiscal year has been alleviated. We (meaning I), made the necessary cuts, and invested in our (meaning mine), future for a better tomorrow. The cuts made yesterday are now able to provide me with first run TV shows like the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Wilfred, and Modern Family. I no longer have to wait for Hulu to post them. I will be able to watch the local news again, too. I don’t even remember who’s in the lead anchor chair at KABC/7 at 5pm. Is Dallas Rains still doing the weather? I don’t know but I’ll soon find out when I get cable, again.

Things are gonna get better. I’m gonna get connected.

I have a message for you, people: Tomorrow is coming, and it’s showing up with Cable TV. That’s the word.

If the producers of the Tonight Show called and offered you Jay's job, would you take it?

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 23:29:11 -0700

Yes. I would do anything it takes to get Jay off the air.

Have you heard of this guy?

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 22:22:00 -0700

AMAZING! (Oprah voice). Check out Sungha’s site. This kid is an amazing musician and is worth the time.

Test

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 19:31:34 -0700

Is this mic on?

Dear Check-Out Girl,

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 11:12:21 -0700

getoffthephoneandgettowork:

Your weekend plans sound lovely but can you get off the damn phone and do your job! Thanks so much! Sincerely, Angry Customer

tametheroll: Not everyman who rolls his pants up is expecting a...

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:00:00 -0700

tametheroll:

Not everyman who rolls his pants up is expecting a flood.

It was 101 years ago today in which the Chicago White Sox lost...

Sun, 10 Jul 2011 08:28:46 -0700

It was 101 years ago today in which the Chicago White Sox lost the first game ever played in Comiskey Park, to the Saint Louis Browns, 2-1.

Pretty cool. After [Adam] Dunn ended an 0-for-19 skid...

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 18:59:42 -0700

Pretty cool.

After [Adam] Dunn ended an 0-for-19 skid yesterday with a fourth-inning single off of the Royals’ Jeff Francis, something odd happened. The response to the unexpected result was amused surprise (especially since it was only his second hit off a lefty all year), which then grew to an ovation as many rose to their feet.

It seemed utterly sarcastic at first, but then it changed. I can’t tell you exactly when or how, and it’s tougher to determine since my interpretation is influenced by the way TV presents such things, but there was a perceptible drift away from “At least you didn’t strike out, you big idiot” and toward “Come on, big fella, hang in there!”

Dunn’s response was telling, and significant. Standing at first base, he removed his helmet and waved to the crowd, directly acknowledging them. It seemed genuine, and not the kind of thing you’d do defiantly if you thought you were being mocked.

If this has happened before with an expensive, struggling player on the south side, I can’t remember it.

I can recall countless cases of full-throated exasperation, and a Bronx cheer to match almost every real one. But this is new, strange, and not altogether unpleasant.

The subsequent outpouring after Dunn’s game-flipping two-run homer in the eighth confirmed what was occurring – there was a temporary, powerful sense of ownership created by the earlier moment, with last night’s crowd uniquely invested in his performance. They stood behind him, he made sure to let them know he was aware of it, and the fan/player connection seemed to exist more so than ever, at least for a day.
[…]
“The thing about the fans, they boo and stuff because they want to see the team and me personally do so well,” Dunn said. “That’s how I’ve been looking at it. It makes it more special when they cheer like that.”

-Dan Bernstein

New Wilco. I Might.

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 06:33:49 -0700

New Wilco. I Might.

Happy Father’s Day! funnyordie: A Father’s Day Salute A...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 15:14:59 -0700

Happy Father’s Day!

funnyordie:

A Father’s Day Salute

A salute to all the dads.